Juliette Miranda

This isn’t so much a blog as it is coming attractions, I suppose. But if there is a lack of new blogs over the next few months, I just thought I’d explain why: my book – Morning Neurosis – is being published!

I doubt I’ve ever more happily typed a sentence in my life, and frankly the words seem rather unreal. Admittedly, it is an independent press, and all of the PR to get the sucker to the world will need to be self-generated, but the fact remains that my words will exist in book form, and they’ll soon be available for purchase online at Amazon and Barnes & Noble, and by special request at actual bookstores.

I’m sure I’ll look like a giant idiot at the bookstore this summer – likely August – special ordering a copy of my own book, but I can’t say that I care very much. It’s MY book, damnit, I’ll special order it if I want to. In triplicate.

If you’ve ever laughed, chuckled, smiled, shook your head in shame, or fought the urge to hit me with a blunt object while reading my work, I’m asking you now to save up the approximately $12 (for soft cover) and buy my book when it’s available. And if I’ve ever bought your album, tickets to your shows, lost precious hearing by sweating it out in a dank bar to see your band play, or written free web copy, bios or press releases for you – fair warning, turnabout is fair play.

I’m in the process of making final edits and additions to Morning Neurosis, so it definitely won’t be the same story you may have once read in draft. My web and blog sites are in for a major overhaul this summer, too, and I’ll be developing special Morning Neurosis Myspace, Facebook and Twitter pages as well, so this summer is undoubtedly going to be a busy, absolutely outstanding time.

You’ll receive 782 more notices from me in that time, likely more once the book is available for sale, I’m sure – shameless self promotion has never been an issue for me. Because really, who wouldn’t want to read “The mostly true stories of a girl reconciling her rock ‘n roll roots with a new reality”?

Don’t answer that. Just support the book. Please.

While accompanying my guy on a recent trip to Sam Ash, the salesman made the mistake of jokingly calling me a roadie. My guy quickly made the international “Don’t hit me!” gesture and I had to suck back the foam that was starting to bubble at my mouth.

I have enough trouble with the term groupie; roadie isn’t much of an improvement. I am neither. I am my guy’s girlfriend and bass tech. Admittedly, the distinctions are fuzzy at best: my own line involves a refusal to carry gear or work the merch table. And as much as I like to believe my ability to string and tune my guy’s bass at soundcheck makes me better than the rest, it doesn’t change the fact that I am still, at heart, a fan.

Still, I consider it a privilege to be a part of my guy’s musical career in all my capacities: girlfriend, partner, bass tech, fan, and even critic. It’s a complex balance that does indeed provide insight into the world of music that not everyone is granted access.

That’s why, as I watch my guy become a member of a new band, I thought it useful to create a primer of sorts – a checklist to ensure that we can both enjoy his next musical endeavor. I hereby present:

Top 10 Ways to Know Your Guy Has Joined a Good Band

10. He’s not replacing someone who a) got carted off for starting too many fires b) had a curfew or c) ran off to join the German production of Cats.

9. “Sweet Child of Mine”, “Iron Man” and “Jessie’s Girl” are NOT in the set list.

8. The band doesn’t have a street team … run by the singer.

7. The first photo shoot isn’t scheduled to take place in front of a brick wall or by railroad tracks.

6. The band’s website and press kit are not written and maintained by their fans or girlfriends.

5. Shows are not booked at clubs where a) the bartender is also the sound guy b) the drummer’s mother’s van is the backstage or c) a passport, concealed weapon and inoculations are needed to get there.

4. No member of the band currently owns and/or wears anything circa 1987, regardless of whether they can still zip it up.

3. Phrases like, “Yeah, we have connections,” and “We’ve got a label deal in the works,” are never uttered.

2. The merch table doesn’t include specialty items like cheap panties with the band’s photo on them.

1. When the guitarist calls to schedule rehearsal, he says, “We’re all bringing our girlfriends with us; you should invite yours, too.”