This entry was posted on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 2:43 am and is filed under General Word Vomit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
Having recently waded back into the dating pool with the kind of unfortunate results that make becoming a Buddhist monk in Tibet seem a more appealing option, I’m forced to consider that maybe I’m just not the kind of person who will ever find a decent match.
I’m certainly more accommodating than any girl in her right mind should be when it comes to relationships, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. My first inclination was to blame the guys: really, what kind of fool would leave a girl who will happily swallow (pun intended) whatever comes her way?
But then, after a few glasses of wine, it all became clear. I’m the freak. I’m the one who keeps a lifesize cardboard cutout of Jon Bon Jovi in a closet; I’m the one who refuses to install cable; I’m obviously the one who is scaring everyone away.
The Guy In That Band You Know confirmed my suspicion when he explained that I was too smart for him. Not that he likes his girls dumb, he added quickly. Of course not.
I stopped listening to him at that point, I was too consumed by the obscene number of things that are obviously wrong with me. It’s too late to change I’m afraid, so I instead embrace the:
Top 33 Reasons Why I Will Be Single FOREVER
1. This damn blog.
2. I know how to make chloroform at home.
3. My idea of a fun night in involves a bottle of whiskey, either of the Hostel movies, and a heated game of Scrabble.
4. I have a consuming, detrimental need to be with a musician.
5. …and consequently have such rigid opinions about music it’s futile to expect me to listen to anything that wasn’t released circa 1965-1989.
6. In fact, I rarely talk to anyone who wasn’t in a band circa 1965-1989 or isn’t currently in a band that sounds like it’s from that period.
7. Whole Foods is the only place I will grocery shop.
8. What’s left of my paycheck after grocery shopping is earmarked for use to add to my obsessive collection of panties and tube socks.
9. The only thing that rivals my amassment of lingerie is my horror movie library.
10. I require yearly trips to Disney World.
11. I will favor my cat over your allergies every time.
12. Charles Bukowski is the king of my literary fantasies.
13. Steve Holmes is the king of my sexual fantasies, except when trumped by Lexis, my favorite stripper.
14. Events such as my birthday, career promotions and relationship endings are always marked with a trip to the local gentleman’s club.
15. …where they know my name, table preference, and the fact that I have a small mole on my right breast.
16. … and I often make more money than I spend.
17. Misused apostrophes and quotation marks are inexcusable to me.
18. I know how to say the “I” in “I love you.”
19. I consider selfishness to be a virtue in others as well as myself.
20. My misanthropy has yet to be proven wrong.
21. Even when it’s 98 degrees outside, I will still spend four hours in the kitchen preparing dinner or baking cookies.
22. At family functions, my mad scientist father shoots lightning bolts at people.
23. Reading a book is a perfectly acceptable way for me to kill a few hours… or days.
24. Too much talking annoys me.
25. Otherwise simple activities, like changing the oil in my car or getting new wiper blades, take on monumental proportions in my silly little world and require hours of thinking and planning.
26. …but I will always be able to hook up a stereo, television, and computer faster than you.
27. I turn into Regan from the Exorcist when confronted with threatening situations such as riding a Ferris Wheel, swimming, or needing to locate an unfamiliar bathroom.
28. Snow makes me violent.
29. Garlic is my friend.
30. Few things make me laugh more than lemurs, wiener dogs, and anti-squirrel propaganda.
31. I rarely wear makeup, but insist my hair always look spectacular, even at the expense of valuable sleep time.
32. Attendance at Huey Lewis & the News and Bon Jovi concerts is mandatory.
33. Despite all my bravado, I secretly want my life to play out like a Jane Austin story.
I know. It’s hopeless. You can direct all comments to me in Tibet.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Never knew that about you and Huey. Figured EZN would be listed before he would.